Corran had an issue. It wasn't a going problem, or a regularity problem, that part of the plumbing was fine. It was the end results. Sadly, the concept of indoor plumbing or its equivalent were still a few decades past dawning on the master craftsman, so he instead looked towards improving the chamber pot.
Bethany always complained that he would leave the chamber pot unclosed, waddling back to bed and allowing its deadly olfactory payload to waft throughout the house. Defying sensible feminine ideals about how one's house should look and smell, Corran risked irking his wife- his newfound ability to cook already in the past and forgotten by his wife.
It began with The Blade of Intuition, which suggested that he apply his skills to the problem at hand. Corran purchased a great deal of clay, shaping and molding it into the proper size and shape for a chamber pot. Etching varies designs he found cool looking into the surface, Corran ensured to bond them securely to the varies smelling salts and spices meant to ward off bad smells. His work took quite a few days, during which the old man ensured not to sully his creation by allowing it near the chamber pot that was in use.
The molding complete, with the appropriate warding material intertwined with the clay, Corran set it within the kiln. He had attached a lid to the top via a hinge, specially coated and treated to withstand the heat of the firing. Using Vulcan's Walking Stick, he started the fire that would birth the solution to his problems.
Or so he thought. During a lunchbreak, a seagull had taken liberty to christen the new chamber pot. Corran's seals and wards did not keep the essences of waste out- they trapped them in, a shell containing the scatological payload of evil within. It would ruin his otherwise perfect work.
Corran removed the pot from the kiln and set it up in his usual location, content with his work.
That night, he cursed the day he made his items nigh-indestructible, and threw the pot out into the world to terrorize someone more deserving.
The Self-Closing Chamber Pot is a large clay pot, about two feet in diameter around the middle, with an opening at the top of about a foot in diameter. The entire pot is fairly short, allowing a normal human to squat over or sit on it as necessary. The lid is hinged, conceivably to provide back support. The color of the pot is indeterminate due to the multitude of stains, scorch marks, and other damage sustained to the surface, which is battered with a multitude of abuse and scars.
When approached, the lid opens automatically. Generally the chamber pot allows its victim to sit before fully starting its antics. Snapping the lid shut on one's buttocks (or other available anatomy) is one of the pot's favorite gags, as is spewing its contents onto anyone nearby. The pot cannot be spoken to, reasoned with, or convinced to stop its behavior. The pot gleefully allows its stench to waft throughout any space it is enclosed in. It refuses to open for those who absolutely have to go. More than a few owners have found items dear to them sitting into the filth within the pot, only to question how an item lacking limbs could manage such a thing.
The pot is nigh-indestructible due to Corran's superior craftsmanship. The pot is suitable as a weapon of mass destruction, bomb, or siege breaker. More than a few invading armies have flung it into a castle by use of their catapults, leading to a quick and orderly surrender.
Vermin are attracted to the pot, and it drives normal animals away. Seagulls in particular are drawn to the house containing the chamber pot, flocking to it in large numbers.
A humorous mission would be placing this item within an enemy's camp and watching the chaos unfold.......
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? Responses (24)
Update: AGH I FORGOT TO HIT THE BBCODE TRANSLATE BUTTON AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH
Funny and fun, a good reminder not all magical inventions turn out for the best or wind up cherished by their creators.
Adding in a curse to have it always return to the person it was recently given to until they can successfully give it away to someone who will accept the gift would be a fun addition. (After it's true nature is known the poor sod owning it will have to haul it about to a far off town or land to properly dispose of it, leading to more then a few fun adventures especially if he has to hire the characters to protect him during the travels..)
This would also make a wedding great gift to any lovely couple from a jealous suitor who lost out.
A fun item to toss in with goblin treasure as well for the greedy adventures to get their paws on (especially with the aforementioned curse suggestion.
Wedding gift. XD
That comment really made me smile.
Update: Corran freetext added. Also changed the making of the item to explicitly reference the Blade of Intuition, which also now references this.
That's fine, but I thought that Veracit owned the Blade. Did Corran end up keeping it after his death? Nitpicking, I know, but I'm interested in the story of these two NPCs.
It's fun - and sparks ideas about other cursed items of hygiene - toothbrushes, razors, combs, etc.
I'll echo Silveressa's comment about failed experiments -- this kind of thing should be quite common in a world where magic items are created by almost anyone. Thanks for the reminder! One question: if the seagull hadn't pooed on the chamber pot while it was being set out to dry, would it have worked perfectly?
That is a grand question as it is unclear to me as to why the object went nuts to begin with. Maybe I just missed it somewhere.
It would have turned out perfectly if not for the seagull. I'll make sure to edit that in once I'm not at work.
I actually have nothing to say on this. I think it baffled me.
lol why downrate?
*shrugs* I have three guesses as to why:
#1: An accident, someone meant to click the + instead of the - and mis-clicked. once a comment is voted up or down it's impossible to change one's vote.
#2: They felt a comment saying someone has nothing to say is pointless and a waste of space? (Sort of like commenting by saying 'no comment')
#3; A new user thought the + or - was used for a different purpose, such as moving the comment higher or lower in the list? (It actually would be helpful to be able organize the comments one felt was useful, be it adventure ideas or helpful insight.)
Really though it's only 1 xp so it's not like it really makes much difference in the grand scheme of things. (One makes that every day they log in after a refresh after all)
The toilet from Hell.
This is just VILE!
Poop-spraying, ass-snipping, seagull-summoning, object-stealing, TOILET FROM HELL!
I like it.
The chamber pot is so making an appearance in the empires dungeon next session, after being locked up with this thing for an evening I'm sure even the bravest rogues will confess to their crimes and feel proper repentance.
I enjoyed the irreverant tale. Cleverly written, funny and gross. Oh and quite usable (and I will...use it that is). Nice linkage to your other items. Good stuff. Plus what Silveressa said.
Update: Updated the line specifying why everything went wrong...
Hehehe! Clever sub infested one! I truly enjoyed the backgrpund story. Well done!
I do like sentient objects - well done!
One question I just thought of, did the initial christening of the seagulls droppings leave any noticeable mark or sign on the pot?
The means to discovering this answer have placed a great multitude of lives in great danger... would YOU dare to look inside to find out?
I second Val, I remembered a certain gate with a smile and a nod when I read his comment.
Beware the evil, biting comode.
Corran could have just gone outside and used the woods, and I bet he would have too had his wife not been ashamed or embaressed that her husband was squatting in the reeds like a dog. I guess the moral of this story is that you can't please you wife all of the time and to attempt it is to raise the monkey's paw.
Poop jokes. toilet humor, a lament for the married man and unconvential magic items. You cover a lot here sir. Well done.