This Green Gem grants any one who holds it in ether hand to instantly become charismatic and attractive to any humanoid.
Full Item Description
This gem is a dark green emerald is about the size of a coin. It has a gold ring around it. It is smoothed and polished.
This gem gives the holder charismatic skill. It does not change the appearance of the holder in any way, but any humanoid looking at the person will find the holder more attractive then they normal would. Non-humanoids will not be affected in any way. The Gem will only be effective if held. Once the holder lets go of the gem it will no longer take effect.
History
The Emerald of Character came into existence when a wizard known as MaMcmenith, who had long suffered from a hunch back and incurable acne, spent his time in exile from humanity making the gem. He hope the gem could make people like him. He had spent his years living in exile because of his looks and was making this gem to change all that.
Well the Gem was finished and the wizard was heading to the nearest town to test it out. On the way there he was stopped by a group of thieves. The thieves robbed him for every thing including the clothes on his back.
so there then gem went going from owner to owner. as one died it pasted on to another...
It is uncertain of its current location, but it is said to be in the hands of a bard known as Maxim Carper, who is the owner of a Large Music and preforming school.
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I would say it's a good first sub. Only minor grammatical errors, the format isn't bad. But it is short and seems like its powers are that of a generic item, but it has the unique item background. Perhaps this is the first of many?
A simple item, with a well-reasoned purpose that is useful for more than its original owner - what is not to like? To try to give it compact size and a unique background is certainly not a flaw. Yes, some polishing is in order, but it makes a good first submission. Welcome to the place, cloudncali.
Suggestions:
- maybe elaborate a little on the exact effect on the charisma of the wielder... judging from the title, it does not make one exactly more attractive, but more of a 'personality', more imposing, interesting, harder to overlook; possibly even more trustworthy.
- the ambush contains some unnecessary details that detract from the story - skip the number 3, and simply say he was killed by thieves who robbed him of everything, including the clothes on his back (nice detail there)
- you could hint at the item's current whereabouts - what honorable, or more likely dishonorable person owns it? Or is it lost somewhere, after the latest fraud was commited with it?
Pretty much ditto what everyone else said: a useful item, a bit drab and generic in its current form, but has great potential for further exploration. Welcome to the Citadel, Cloud! Keep them subs rollin'!
im going to go with what manfred wrote, lesh out the history a bit more, brilliant idea though!
Not bad, but a little too generic and simple for my own tastes. Since wanting to have higher charisma is a fundamental wish, it should have some drawbacks - perhaps it increases charisma/personal magentism by imparting a weak charm on all nearby. This would set off anti-magic defences, annoy wizards, etc.
I noticed a few spelling and grammatical problems, it's also a bit short. But, as others have said, it shows definite promise.
Updated: Ok I Added its Suspected current location. I will think about this more and add to it later
MaMcmenith's mistake, I guess, was creating a magic item that had to be held in hand to work. Of course he was robbed, if he was waving this gold-ringed emerald around as he walked down the road...