Pulp Fiction · Legacy archive
feedback: Labour of an Empress
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feedback: Labour of an Empress
#1Chatted a bit to Axle about it and one problem with this story might be that this is a lack of conflict driving the Empress' actions (plot's a bit waffly) but overall, as the co-author, quite content with this story in its simplicity (sorta given my standards). -
Re: feedback: Labour of an Empress
#2On the progress log, Aramax expresses a liking for the direction that Moonlake has turned this piece in and this piece is ready for final tweaking at his hands. -
Re: feedback: Labour of an Empress
#3Alrighty. Read the story.
Thoughts: really like the atmosphere of the piece! Kind of whisks you away to a realm of ethereal high-fantasy. You get a sense of grandeur and ambition and a "lesson learned" and all that! It's more of a mood piece than narrative which is different from the other stories I've read and that's cool!
Likes: stuff above ^. Also, the birds. Took me two reads to understand exactly what they were, and what they were doing, but they create an evocative image, and tug at you emotionally.
Dislikes: this story is strangely phrased and awkwardly worded in places. I found myself diving in and out of "immersion" :). And I personally am constantly guilty of doing this too, but...the "tense" keep changing :). Not sure if "shape-shifter" is an applicable "theme" here but I don't mind that.
Regarding the title of the piece. I like it. There's nothing wrong with it. I just find myself wondering if "labor" works as well as maybe some other word. "Visions" of...? "Will of...? Don't know. I guess "labor" is fine. Ok I'm rambling now.
Ok, on to more particular thoughts...
1. Craft-adviser doesn't sound good.
2. Her "sturdy" robe absorbs much of the damage...sturdy robe?
3. "The Empress is now standing near a lava pool in Hell". How about "...in some nether hell" (as opposed to *the* hell.)
4. "Go with the flow"? Please no. :)
5. My comfort is not
My peace is not
(that doesn't sound good at all)
6. To her, this glade was the epitome of beauty and greatest sight here was that of the Nightingales dancing as a group, weaving in and among each other. (awkward clunky sentence)
7. A scream is ripped out of her throat...."A scream is ripped *from* her throat" sounds better methinks.
8. It does not attack her this time but rather holds her head high on its graceful neck and looks on her with its earnest gaze.
*Its* head...
Looks *upon* her....
9. Two steps away, a cluster of horned demons are engaging in a brawl with each other. Often, two or three other demons will swamp over a single one of their brethren and rend it with their merciless claws.
How about...
"Steps away from her, a cluster of demons attacks another of their kind, swarming mercilessly, rending its form into bloody shreds with their impossibly long and terrible claws.
10. This sentence below...could use a re-write I think.
" The demons do not bleed like mortal creatures. Instead, the trials gouged out from their bodies that are seemingly composed of chunks of dark rock are marked by not blood but an unearthly light of blood-red hue that shines through."
(entrails right?)
11. The last poem at the end works very well! Ending line is very good!
12. You're right, the last third of the piece really picks up and delivers!