[DELETED] Jimmanie Cricket

1. [DELETED] Jimmanie Cricket

   #1

   This is going too far and nowhere at the same time. Give it three days at most from now before I delete it. We have a better Miserable NPC (tm) to be a warning - Arrkash the something demon.
   
   
   

   Jimmanie Cricket | Grasshopper | Fighter | Violinist | Male | Author: Cardillotang
   
   Serenades the human race with pestering noises created by gringing the hind-legs together.
   
   
   Equipment
   A Real Boy
   
   Appearance
   About 5 inches tall and 2 inches wide. Has super natural leaping abilities to evade predators. Jimmanie is colored with a nice blend of greens and a couple splashes of brown... to help camoflauge his body in the grasses he resides in. He wears a top hat similar to Abraham Lincolns... usually carries a pipe. Nothing in the pipe of course, Jimmanie cares about his health. He only smokes grass.
   
   Background
   When given his name, the elders failed to realize that Jimmanie was a grasshopper and not a cricket. Hence "Jimmanie Cricket".
   
   Jimmanie was eaten by a cat when he was 6.
   
   He liked it.
   
   the end.
   
   Notes
   Hey. I know.
   | | Hits 75 | Added 07.16.05 17:38 | Votes 5 Rating 1.60
   Thank you for voting for this item.
   
   Comments
   Cheka Man Submitted: 07.16.05 17:58 [ 1/5 ]
   
   *Yawns* I'll tell you why I gave you 1/5 when I'm not feeling as if a disease is about to infect me.I went up a hill today and it sapped almost all my strength.
   Cardillotang Submitted: 07.16.05 18:18
   
   at least its better than ravenman
   EchoMirage Submitted: 07.16.05 18:28 [ 2/5 ]
   
   Well, Cheka, you could have been more costructive, but then, I will put on my nice persona (where the hell did I put it? do I have one?) and try to solve a bit.
   
   Well, I like elves, indeed I do. I like tigers and cats and panthers and cheetahs and cougars and jaguars and lynxes.
   
   But: the 'orphan out for revenge' thing is old. So old, that even an elf might grow white hair from it.
   The 'loner' thing is also over-used and detrimental to roleplay.
   Also, elven rangers are quite overdone.
   
   *Give her people she associates with!
   *Give her more of a history!
   *Give her hobbies, and a goal besides guarding the forest and killing some stupid wizard!
   
   Still, I find your description skills good, and likewise your language skills. Thus, try to infuse the post with more originality - that is what I suggest. Also, putting in a few paragraphs and returns might make it more legible, especially for tired Strolenites reading it in the dead of night.
   
   I cannot agree with Cheka's rating of one - as it stands it deserves a 2.
   
   Try the Gold Standard - a character should be good and interesting enough to star in a well-written novel.
   Monument Submitted: 07.16.05 18:38 [ 2/5 ]
   
   Paragraphs would be nice. Honestly, the lack of paragraphing made this far more difficult to get through than it otherwise would have been.
   
   Orphan child left to fend for herself, huh? Wait, let me guess, a dragon killed her parents, right?
   
   There are many many suspension of disbelief issues here, most glaringly about the reason why the tiger didn't make a morsel out of the youngster right away.
   
   Why stay in a dying forest? Either fix the forest or leave it, but don't just hang out there, unless you like the new look, in which case, why be vengeful on the person who made the forest like that?
   
   She has a thirst for vengeance for the killer of her grandfather, but doesn't even so much as hint at such a vengeance for her parent's death?
   
   Even for a first effort, the themes are somewhat played out. I'm not above creating a cliche'd character(I have many of them), but I try to take a new spin on old stereotypes. Often I fall short, but at least I try to make it somewhat different. It doesn't appear like you strayed from the path at all in this description. It would be difficult to get a decently high rating without making your stories interesting unto themselves, and that usually requires going to the periphery of the cliche.
   
   Most of my "cliche'd" characters have struggled around the 3/5 rating, and deservedly so, they aren't innovative by any stretch, but sometimes the clarity and believability of the story helps to bring the rating up(but it is highly unlikely they will ever reach 5/5, simply by virtue of their familiarity).
   
   It's easy for a person to create an action flick, but it's HARD for a person to create a CLASSIC action flick. Transcending that boundary is damn near impossible for something so familiar to the viewer. Same thing with cliche'd characters.
   
   I will reserve my vote in the hopes that this character has a few more of the details fleshed out. Right now, you're working on a solid 2 out of 5(charitably).
   Cardillotang Submitted: 07.16.05 18:46
   
   Definently.
   
   I'll take all of this into consideration when I actually spend time thinking about a character.
   
   It has been a while since I've actually written anything creatively considering schools been out for ....a while now.
   
   I was just seeing if I still knew when to use commas and apostrophes.
   CaptainPenguin Submitted: 07.17.05 19:56 [ 2/5 ]
   
   Blaaaaaaaarrg.
   
   I have to tell you- I hate this character.
   No matter how good of an iteration it is, I will never, never, never, never, never enjoy, in short order: almost all elven characters, rangers, characters with animal companions (especially tigers and big cats!), and orphans.
   However, I must now tell you that it isn't strictly a bad character, but it falls on the low side of the putrid twilight bog between mediocre and okay.
   
   Follow all of Echo's advice- I can't give you anything more straightforward...
   
   Oh, and I'd change the name- hate me if you like, but I'm a stickler for (somewhat) realistic cultures in fantasy and the appliance of such to gaming. The name of your character sounds like a mongrel mish-mash of five different langauges, it's too long, and, personally, I avoid all possible names ending in the appelation "-us", because then people instantly think Roman and connect it to our rather mundane reality.
   
   2/5.
   Cheka Man Submitted: 07.17.05 20:25
   
   The others have said it far better then I could.Your carecter is a walking talking denizen of Planet Cliche.
   CaptainPenguin Submitted: 07.17.05 22:24
   
   I'd also point out that her race is apparently "Giraffe".
   Obsidian Submitted: 07.18.05 00:21
   
   Hey, I see you edited your character. Man I looked long and hard at this, and i have to say....THIS IS THE BEST POST I HAVE EVER SEEN! I cant find anything wrong with it. its just so good, there are no words. Seriously, I cant even type anymore.
   
   10/5
   BRAVO, BRAVO!
   Obsidian Submitted: 07.18.05 00:39
   
   O my god.
   Obsidian Submitted: 07.18.05 00:42
   
   On second thought, this post sucks. Jimmanie Crickets, Batman, what a horribly villainous post!
   
   manfred Submitted: 07.18.05 05:21 [ 1/5 ]
   
   No need to further comment or vote on this item. It shall be removed.
   
   0/5 now

Submission Discussion and Archive · All categories · Guildhall