Items of Groan

While magic if full of odd associations, some are quite "pun-ish". By accident or on purpose, slips of the tongue are there.


You know I don't do "silly" very often. However, I stumbled over this idea on another site. I was so amused, that I had to start one over here.

Here are magic items built around puns. Few would use them in a serious game, but sometimes they slip in to games. So place them here and let us chuckle at them.

So give us your tired puns, your homeless homilies, your jokes that only a gamer could love. Write them down and put them down (both in a literary and insulting way). :)

Bottle of Spirits -- plainly labeled; filled with soul-rending wraiths. The swirling grey mist inside occasionally shows a face pressed against the glass.

Thor's Hummer - artifact car that adds lightning damage to everything it rams and has a bonus against giants. And it returns after being thrown.

This will make an appearance in a Scion game I run or maybe an Urban Fantasy Game.

Completestaff. Much more effected that a quarterstaff.

Dollar Ninety Five Cent Staff, like a Quarterstaff, only better. However, shouldn't that be a buck-and-a-quarter quarterstaff?

Ho! Ha ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!


You know this item is actually a +5 staff, that requires you to take 1d6 subdual every three attacks.

Total Bastard Sword....

+5 vs Women and Children.


Half-plate: Can hold one sandwich, but no chips.

Hide Armour - good for stealth.

Light Shield - no need for a torch

Borrowed, but really deserve a submission

Dust Bunnies - small magical creatures that inhabit dark places (dungeons, behind the chamberpot, under the bed, etc.). They survive by eating dirt. When they get too large, they split into two or more smaller bunnies. If struck, they explode into a cloud that causes all nearby to sneeze uncontrollably.

I've had also had Spitting Images, Roaring Acclaims, and even Rogue Waves (water elemental).

Where is Terry Pratchett when you need him?

This one got me to post this submission

A futuristic keyboard that randomly bestows magic blessings and curses with each key that is pressed?



A Cyberdeck of Many Things, of course.

The GlasgOuijan Board - It contacts the spirits and foretells the future, but has such a thick Scots accent that nobody can understand what it says

Some characters. Sure they are not items, but they are funny. Okay, you know you had one character in your group when you were young that had one of these naems.. you know it.... admit it...

Sir Cumvent, known for his ability to outmaneuver his opponents on the field without ever being brought to battle.

Sir Tenly, the Priest of Positive Thinking.

Sir Osis of the Liver

Sir Cumspect, the wary knight

Sir Cular, who ate rather too much.

Sir Loin of Beef.

Sir Pluss, he always gets left out.

However, his rather charming and romantic brother Sir Duce, you may be better acquainted with.

Their cousin Sir Fary, seems to be perpetually off hunting.

Sir Not Appearing in the Adventure, who is always mentioned, but never around.

Queen Aurala of Aundair recently knighted the most sucessful agent of her majesty's espionage service: Sir Veillance.

Hilda Thunderaxe vowed to remain single and often ridiculed couples as they left the local chapel. She was one Critical Miss!

The knight who spent his entire career fighting orcs....

Sir Cumcision - because there's no end to those pricks.

An ring that generates a displacement field,at will but curses the wearer with lycanthropy - transforming them into a wolf.




A wherewolf item, of course.

You have to know your gaming history to best understand this one.

Rod of Vecna

+10 Charisma when dealing with female lichs, +5 with necromancers, and +1 vs all females.

Borrowed but cute

A bow of fine make, this rather colourful weapon pierces holes in the clouds themselves.

Property: +2 Dexterity, +2 Kinsey.

Power * Daily. Fire an arrow into the sky to produce a downpour lasting ten minutes.




It is called, the Rain Bow

*Plotti McPlothoek:* grizzled old hook-handed (x2) pirate always willing to give the PCs quest-starting info for the cost of a drink. Strangely appears in every inn or tavern the adventurers happen to enter as if all part of a cosmic plan scribed by a very uncreative and time-pressed god.

*the party, having lost the trail of the bandit lord Gravus, enters a way station in an ice-choked and windswept mountain pass*

"Holy sh*t. Wouldn't you know it. There's Plotti McPlothoek. Plotti you ol' seadog, what brings you here?"

"Yarr, me vessel was blown of course and I set in here for repairs."

"Blown of course. That's for sure. That's some hell of a course error that put you here... in the mountains."

"Well, err... the wind... umm... maps..."

"Guys just let it go otherwise Yorkus will go and sulk in the bathroom until we leave."

Ring of Invisibility

This ring cannot be seen

Ring of Invulnerability

This ring cannot be damaged

Ring of Indivisibility

The wearer is immune to having his/her head or limbs removed

Chain Mail Armor: Only provides protection if the user sends additional suits to five of their friendsand then they do the same...and so onand so:)

I do confess, I have played too much Pendragon.

Sir Tified, he who makes sure everything is "just so" and legal.

Sir Tain, he who is never wrong

Sir FFe, he is always at the ocean side

Sir Urch, he is who is always questing for something, no matter how trivial.

Sir Lee, he who is always angry or grumpy

And an item

The Great Sword

This average sized sword is magically glamoured to make everyone think it is a wonderful weapon, the best ever. The weapon itself is merely medicore.

Ring of Spell Turning.

Once activated, presumably the wearer is about to be hit with some awful spell, a voice comes from the ring saying "Turning, t u r n i n g. Turning."

This could have useful applications, as a "Radar detector for incomming magic"

And if you don't get the joke, Spell the word Turning. T-U-R-N-I-N-G. Tee, Yoo, Arr, Enn, Eye, Enn, Jee. Think spelling bee. Understand now?

At the culmination of a great quest bestowed by Gerat Deity to find the "roots of stones," the players discovered a pile of rocks that recited cheerleader-type chants ("G-R-A-N-I-T-E! Granite, granite, allllll the WAY, HEY!").




The GM is said to have barely survived the actualy melee that occured after.

(Collector) Plate of Doom

Not only they wonderfully illustrated, they provide +5 armor protection. The cost is either an easy payment of 19.99 each month (for the rest of your life) or your soul.

Ring of a Bell:

The ring is a normal ring with a small bell like mark on the outer band. When a bell rings out in the area, the ring will vibrate. (This is great for deaf monastic/ scholarly types who need to hear bells to get to prayer/ class).

The ring will also vibrate when it is within a short distance of a bell, even if the bell is "at rest".

Either way, The ring will continue to vibrate until touched with a copper piece.




A bell's toll for thee

? Hall of Honour (3 voters / 4 votes)

Hall of Honour

Cheka Man Grey valadaar

? Community Contributions (37)

Fire Alarm-if someone presses it, a jet of fire shoots out of the button and burns the person's hand.

Infantree - A tree covered with combative little figures.

Well. Anything from Piers Anthony's Xanth would qualify.

Crystal Armor: this miraculous translucent armor will protect you from the very first blow... when it falls apart into a lot of shards. Given time, it will regenerate.

Horn of Call: those listening to the Horn, and especially the one blowing it, will feel the Call of Nature.

Sir Prize-a knight who beleaves in setting ambushes

Trident (Try Dent) - A Hammer that can't seem to leave a mark.

Bracers of Armor - The people who hold your armor still while you put it on.

Ring of Friend Shield - A loop on the back of your buddy's shirt.

Elven Chain - When all those hippies link hands and stand in front of a tree trying to prevent humans from chopping it down.

Nine Lives Stealer - Another way to skin the cat.

The One Ring - What you get when you call Neo's cell phone.

OK - another names rather than an item, but I just have to add it

Sir Taine d'Eath - 'cos all my previous characters kept getting killed

(The first one I think of, and of course it's naughty...)

Ring of Protection: It must be unrolled before use. No, it doesn't go on your finger.

Deck of Many Things: When a card is drawn, it creates one of several items, or evokes a change in the environment.

Wicker chair--conjuration

Cold beer--conjuration

Pretty sunset--alteration/evocation

Wobbly table--conjuration

Deck of cards--conjuration (with a 1% chance that this is also a magical deck--this card is how these things reproduce)

Chain Mail +5: Some time after this item is donned, the links separate and securely bind the wearer and five of his closest buddies. Note--only works on victims with Y-chromosomes.

(I have actually introduced this one into the game.)

Amulet of Cleavage: This medallion consists of a silver oval highly polished to a mirror finish. Engraved into the center is an arrow, pointing upward. When noticed, the Amulet of Cleavage reflects the viewer's eyes back at him (and also possibly the sun). Accompanied by the arrow, this is a not-so-subtle reminder that the wearer's eyes are a bit further north. Some of these devices have an inscription beneath the arrow: "Hey! Look up here!"

Whyme: God of Atheism. In some lands this divine entity is known as Norelpref.

(Yet another one that actually saw in-game usage)

Giant Strength Belt: It adds one level to the wearer's Strength attribute. The drawback: it's huge, twelve feet wide and over a ton of leather. It's long enough to span a river.

Since the beginning of time, Paladins have stood in unceasing opposition to the necromantic arts. Most believe these are affronts to nature and the gods, and, as such, seek to stamp them out wherever possible.

Not Sir Eggbert de Verre, however. Certainly, he will hunt down necromancers and dark warlords wherever he finds them, but takes pains not to harm their undead servants. He loathes dark magic as much as any of his comrades in arms, but for a slightly different reason- the rights of the formerly-unliving themselves.

Why, he asks, should one be forced to serve as cannon-fodder in the army of some upstart Dark Lord, or condemned to guard the tomb of some ancient king for all eternity, simply because one's rotting corpse was hauled up from the grave for that very purpose by the darkest workings of the void? Why shouldn't the unconventionally-resuscitated be left free to live out their lives undisturbed by both the cruelties of dark tyrants and the overabundant zeal of adventurers?

An unorthodox approach? Certainly. But what else would one expect from the Knight of the Living Dead?

Rose Colored Spectacles-These make people see what they want to see and are often dangerous to wear for long periods of time (eg, someone might see a giant spider and mistake it for a treasure chest full of gold.)

Bolt of Hellacious Seasonings: made with salt, black pepper, hot sauce, and lemon juice; stings and burns indeed..

Shape Changing Ring -

It's pretty flexible, you could probably bend it into a square or triangle.

Horn of Blasting -

Dynamite attached to a visor.

Mind Flair -

A pin or brooch that telepathically displays all of your eclectic and witty thoughts for everyone to hear.

? Responses (20)

Goto Author

I want to write some of these.

Goto Author

Do it. Do it a lot!

Goto Author

Total Bastard Sword and Half Plate made me LoL

Goto Author

There were some decent ones, I liked the Chain Mail Armor best. Also linked Silly Items here, since they contain similar implements.

Goto Author

I made this a seperate submission because this wasn't about the silly so much as the pun-ishment we could inflict.

Goto Author

Sir Cumcision - because there's no end to those pricks.

That's the one that got me the most. I know I have a few pun-based ideas around somewhere... I'll try to add them.

Goto Author

Come join the merryment and mirth. Punish those who will not submit.

Goto Author

There can be only one punishment for failing to submit to the Items of Groan. They must be tied to the bed and then spanked soundly. Then you may do with them as you wish.

A spanking! A spanking!

Goto Author

This is a punishment? Oh. right. it is a punishment.

Goto Author

Don't forget to plus ep

XP: [ + - ] ( 0 )

Anyone entry you like a lot.

Goto Author

Oh, I never voted on this? shame. Good stuff, Moon. Fun with pun. Will add something, as soon as a pun comes to me.

Goto Author

Hur hur hur. Thor's Hummer. Hur hur hur.

That being said, when next I run a modern campaign, that sucker is making an appearance!

Goto Author

This rightly deserves a bump. And a vote. And an HOH, and, and, and...

(You were expecting a pun, weren't you? :)